Monday, March 5, 2012

The Green-Eyed Monster

I've been struggling with something for quite a while, and it seems like the older Nate gets, the worse my problem/issue gets because I realize how much Nate is missing out on.  I am ridiculously jealous of most of you parents out there.  I'm not typically a jealous person, except when it comes to my son and how he compares to other children his age.  My fits of envy occur all the time; while in the store, at Nate's school, and especially when I'm spending a lot of time around "typical" children.

My most recent bout of jealousy was not too long ago.  I was listening in on a conversation amongst friends about signing kids up for spring sports.  They were talking about how excited they were to have their kid(s) be a part of an extracurricular activity and make new friends from their new team.  All I could do was listen.  I couldn't participate, share their same excitement, or be happy...all I could do was sit there and be jealous and sad for Nate.  He doesn't know what he's missing, but I sure do.  

We've been receiving fliers from school on a weekly basis about sign-ups for t-ball, soccer, camps, and fun summer activities.  I don't even look at them anymore, they just go right into my recycle bin.  I know that because of Nate's attention problems, social issues, and inability to communicate with most people, these camps and sports teams aren't in our near future.  There are camps and teams for children with special needs, but most are super expensive, and many of them are also geared more towards children with physical handicaps, not kids who can't speak.  

I've parents say how they wish their children "would just stop talking for once!" or would "stop asking why so much", or "stop asking so many questions".  I can't even tell you how much this bothers me.  I would give anything, absolutely anything to have a real conversation with Nathan, with real words, and a real meaning.  I'd much rather have my child talk to much, than not be able to talk at all.  And again, the jealousy and anger sets in.   I'd take my own voice away and give it to him to ease his frustration.  

I hate to admit it, but at times my feelings of jealousy prevent me from wanting to be around typical children who are the same age or close to the same age as Nathan.  I know that spending time with other kids is great for Nate, but sometimes I just can't deal with it.  I've been working hard to get over my feelings of jealousy, and at times they are stronger and more fierce than I could ever think possible.  Please know that if I just don't feel like getting together, it's not you, it's me.

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