Tuesday, February 28, 2012

What did I do wrong?

As a mother of a child with special needs, I often ask myself 
"What did I do wrong?"
"What could I have done better?"
"Why is my child like this?"

The really shitty thing is that I have no idea what the answer is to any of those questions.  As I reflect back over the past 6 1/2 years, there are definitely events that stick out in my mind, events that could have been prevented, and I wonder...."Is that what caused this?"

The day Nate toppled off the bed was awful.  We had just gotten home from the store, and I was going to set my purse down on my dresser.  I put him on the bed (not even thinking that he'd roll right off), turned around to set my purse down, and from the mirror, I watched him flip right off the bed.  Just like the movies, everything happened in slow motion.  As quickly as I could, I raced over to him, scooped him up, and we both sat on the floor crying our eyes out.  I felt like a horrible mom.  Who the hell leaves their 10 month old unattended on a bed?  He wasn't crawling yet, but he sure as shit was rolling everywhere.  I should have known better.  Did that fall do something to his brain?

At 13 months Nate got a super high fever.  We had just gotten home from vacation, and he started getting irritable.  One morning he woke up with a 103* fever.  I called the doctor, and the nurse like said to just give him Motrin and Tyelnol, and not to worry.  Like a dumb-ass I listened (and who wouldn't- it's a doctors office, right?).  It was the first time Nate was sick, and I didn't know any better.  After the first 24 hours, I brought him in for an appointment, and they said there wasn't anything wrong.  I was told "It's probably just a virus."  His fever lasted for 3 days.  On the 3rd day, I brought him into the office again, and they found the beginnings of an ear infection.  He was given a prescription for Amoxycilin.  Well, we found out the hard way that Nate is allergic to it.  He broke out in an allergic rash all over his entire little body.  If I had taken him to the hospital instead of the doctor, could they have brought down his fever better than Motrin?  Did the fever fuck up his brain? 

Did I not give him enough fruits and vegetables as a baby?
Did I take the right kind of prenatal vitamins?
Should I have given him formula instead of nursing him?
Did something happen during birth that they didn't tell me?
Did I interact with him enough as an infant/toddler?
Should I have read or talked to him more?

None of these questions can be answered well enough for me to be satisfied.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Adrianne...my heart goes out to you and all your unanswered questions. The unknown sucks! Please DO NOT beat yourself up...I have seen you mother and you are doing everything right. Hugs to all of you!